Goals, Relationships, and Non-Attachment

Episode 74 of the Secular Buddhism Podcast

Welcome to another episode of the Secular Buddhism Podcast. This is episode number 74. I'm your host, Noah Rasheta, and today I'm talking about goals, relationships, and non-attachment.

I want to start with a quick reminder from the Dalai Lama: "Do not use what you learn from Buddhism to be a Buddhist. Use it to be a better whatever you already are."

Before I jump into this podcast episode, I want to give you a couple of quick updates.

Exciting Milestone

First of all, I'm excited to announce that the podcast has now officially had over 2 million downloads, which is an exciting milestone considering that this started out as a fun experiment. The podcast is being downloaded all over the world, and that's exciting for me to see and to know that the topics and ideas shared through the podcast are being well received and benefiting people everywhere. So I want to say thank you to all of you who listen to the podcast, especially those who listen regularly. I know many of you have been listening from the very beginning and have followed along with all of the episodes. It's been a really exciting journey, and I want to thank each of you for being a part of that journey with me.

Upcoming Workshops

The second update concerns upcoming workshops. One of the goals I have for later this year is to make my in-person workshop—the Introduction to Mindfulness workshop, kind of a Buddhism 101 or Mindfulness 101 type of workshop—available online. I've been hosting this workshop in person for several years now, but I've had the goal for quite some time to create an online version that would be available for free and available any time so you could take it at your own pace. That's really important to me. It's like a workshop version of the book. I put that book out there because I feel like understanding the foundational concepts and teachings of Buddhism is really important as a first step to understanding a lot of the topics discussed in the podcast. It all starts with understanding the background of this way of thinking first.

Along with that, which is the exciting part, I've wanted to make that workshop available so I could spend time doing other, more specialized workshops on specialized topics. The first in this series that I've been experimenting with is partnering with someone who's an expert in a specific field or topic and then co-presenting mindfulness in that field.

For example, the mindful eating workshop I've been doing with Paige Smathers has been really fun. She's an expert in nutrition. Partnering with her to talk about mindful eating has been great, and it was really well received. We're doing another one, and I'm excited about that, and I hope to eventually have an online version of it.

Other topics I want to do are mindful parenting. I have an exciting possible partnership in the works with someone who reached out—an expert in parenting. I think that would be really fun. Then another one on relationships. So those are the three I have in the works right now: mindful eating, mindful parenting, and eventually mindful relationships. Again, these are partnerships between myself and someone who's an expert in that specific field, but presenting these ideas through the lens of mindfulness, through the lens of Buddhist thinking. So look forward to that and more information coming soon.

Let's Jump In

Now let's jump into this topic: goals, relationships, and non-attachment.

I want to bring this up because it seems to be a recurring topic. I get emails all the time with questions about how mindfulness can help with relationships. People ask, "How should I feel about the attraction I have to my partner or spouse? Is it wrong to feel that sense of attraction or the desire to be with this person? Should I let go or be unattached to them?"

The same question comes up with goals: "Should I not have goals? Does going with the flow mean I don't set any goals and just figure out the game of life as it comes? Is it pointless to have goals?"

I know I've clarified this in a few different podcast episodes, specifically the one on non-attachment, but I want to talk about this one more time specifically in the context of goals and relationships with a bit of insight into my own approach and my own life stories and how this concept of non-attachment has been relevant for me.

Non-Attachment Is Not Detachment

Let me start with goals. The idea with goals is that goals are great. Goals give us a sense of direction. There's nothing wrong with goals. The idea of non-attachment, again as I've said various times, is not detachment. It's not about detaching from things. Non-attachment is less about letting go of something and more about letting go of the death grip. You can still have a grip on things.

Rather than thinking of it as non-attachment, let me reframe it for you: think of this as the wisdom of adaptability. All of this makes sense in the context of things being impermanent. When you think about it from that angle, if things are impermanent, what does that say about goals? It just means adapt with the goals when the time comes to adapt.

You see this in business all the time. Companies that aren't capable of adapting go under. Think of Kodak with film. Think of Blockbuster. Think of Toys 'R' Us. In every industry, you have change. Change is the constant. The ones that can adapt survive. The ones that don't adapt don't survive. They eventually go under.

The idea with goals is absolutely have goals if you want them. Just know that you've got to be ready to make the necessary changes to those goals when life throws you a new shape.

My Story: Flight School and Adaptation

Let me share my own life story. One of my goals early on in my career was to be a helicopter pilot. That's always been a childhood dream of mine. It's still a possibility, although very unlikely now because it's not high on my priority list anymore, but at one point it was. I signed up for flight school, paid for it, and was well under way with this career path.

Specifically, my goal was to be a Life Flight pilot or a Coast Guard rescue pilot. I don't know why that stuck with me, but it was a dream.

I found myself about six or seven months into flight school. I had already finished getting my private pilot's license. Then you have to get an instrument rating, which allows you to fly in bad weather conditions or without seeing. You need an instrument rating to fly at night or in storms.

After that, you need to get your commercial license next. Then typically, your first job is to become a flight instructor, which is where you build up your hours. If you want to be competitive in that space, you should also be an instrument-rated flight instructor. So that's five different ratings: private, commercial, instrument, flight instructor, and instrument flight instructor. Each of those certifications was going to be a milestone in my career path.

I achieved the first one. I got my private license. Around that time, the flight school I was attending went bankrupt. Literally overnight. It surprised everyone. It was a nationwide chain of flight schools that just went under. Because you have to pre-pay to get into flight school, I had already paid for all five certifications, and the school disappeared.

I had no way to do anything about it. They went bankrupt. The bank had funded the school, so it was like a student loan through a bank—a private student loan. I was out, and honestly, the bank felt they were victims too. It became a long, drawn-out battle. In the end, it's a loan I'm still paying. I'll be paying it for many, many more years.

At this point, this is life happening. This is the shape that shows up. This is Tetris. I had to decide: do I adapt the goal, or do I persist with it?

At first, I said, "I am going to do this, or I'm going to die trying." I was determined to be a helicopter pilot, and that's exactly what I did. I moved to a new state, enrolled in a new school, took out a new loan. I was going for round two, thinking maybe the legal system would side with me and forgive the first student loans because the school went bankrupt. I took that gamble, took that risk, and started over again with a new flight school.

I finished my instrument rating and commercial requirements. I was thinking, okay, three out of five, but around that point, I had run out of money. I had already paid for this program once. That's a lot of money. The second time, I borrowed enough to get through each milestone one at a time, but I realized I was in a very serious predicament.

I couldn't keep borrowing because I still owed so much. By then, a year had gone by, and I realized there was going to be no forgiveness of the first loan. So I was stuck, and I had to figure out how to make this work. I still needed my instructor rating and instrument instructor rating.

As I assessed the situation, I realized that all those pilots—especially flight instructors from the school that went bankrupt—were all out looking for the same jobs I was going to try to get. It was horrible timing in the industry to try to be a helicopter pilot, especially an instructor. They had more hours and experience. I decided at that point that it was unhealthy to persist with that goal. It was time to apply the wisdom of adaptability.

I wish I would have adapted a little earlier. I wish I had decided when the first school went under to cool down a bit, think about it, and then decide. But I didn't. I was stubborn. I went forward and dug my hole even deeper because now I owed the first school plus all the student loans from the second school.

So long story short, I eventually had to adapt the goal. The goal is no longer to be a helicopter pilot. It morphed into things like: get a second job so I can someday pay off this loan. That became a new goal. All of these situations were changing, and I was being forced to adapt with them.

Many years have passed since then. I've since gotten back into flying as a paraglider pilot and para-motor pilot, which is a much more affordable way to satisfy the itch of flying if anyone of you are thinking about that. So my goal adapted, and here I find myself at this stage in life with different goals.

My Current Goals and Philosophy

I have goals related to work, finances, and career. My goal is to have a form of income that is stable and passive income. That's what I'm accomplishing with the books I've written and the workshops I'm going to be producing. I'm also doing mindfulness retreats with corporations, visiting the workplace and teaching meditation and mindfulness, which is another form of income I'm bringing in.

I have goals centered around my hobbies. One of the more recent ones, a 12-month goal, is to become a certified flight instructor so I can teach people to para-motor and paraglide. That has several milestones between now and then: certain certificates I need to achieve, a certain amount of hours, certain styles of flight I need to learn.

The point I'm trying to make with all of this is that I have a lot of goals, and I'm always assessing them. I'm always deciding: is this right, or does it need to change?

But the difference now versus earlier stages of my life is that I view my goals with a sense of fluidity. I like to call it the wisdom of adaptability. I'm always asking myself: Is this the most skillful goal to have right now? If it is, I'm still working really hard towards it. But when it's not—because the combination of shapes in the game of Tetris life has changed—I change with it. I say, "Maybe that's not the best goal. But this other thing could be a goal." Boom, the goal switches. But I always have goals.

What I'm trying to say is that I don't think we need to approach the idea of goals and non-attachment by saying, "Oh, I shouldn't have any goals. I'm not attached to my goals." What we should be doing is saying, "I do have goals, but I understand that life changes. So I'm always evaluating my goals."

That, to me, is the healthy way. That's the non-attached way of having goals. I'm not attached to them permanently. It's only in the context of the present moment and present circumstances that these goals make sense. The moment that changes—if and when that changes—how flexible am I to adapt with them? It's not necessarily about eliminating the goal, but maybe it's just a matter of tweaking it. Change this. Add that. Eliminate this part. We can adjust our goals the same way life is constantly adjusting.

And that would be a non-attached way of having goals.

Using business as an example, I think that's the perfect example. Businesses that adapt to the trends and technology that evolve within their industry survive. Now it would be silly to say these companies that are thriving don't have any goals—they're going with the flow. That's not it. They absolutely have goals and milestones and things they're trying to achieve, but they're adapting with life as the industry changes.

So that's what I have to say about goals and non-attachment: absolutely have goals. It's fine to have goals. Just don't be attached to them permanently. Be attached to them in the context of right here, right now in this configuration of the game of Tetris. But the moment a new shape shows up, ask yourself: "Is this still the skillful way to approach this goal?" If it is, keep going. If it's not, change it. Adapt the goal. Sometimes you may even have to discard the goal entirely and write down a whole new one, give it a new direction.

The Flower That's Not a Buddha Quote

Now let me move to the second part: relationships.

I want to start this out with a quote that's often attributed to the Buddha. Now, I'm going to be honest with you—about 90 percent of quotes attributed to the Buddha out there are usually not real quotes from the Buddha, and this is definitely one of those. So if you've come across this one, there are variations, but this is the one I came across:

"When you like a flower, you just pluck it. But when you love a flower, you water it daily. One who understands this understands life."

That quote circulates on the Internet and is attributed to the Buddha. So let me be clear: that is not a Buddha quote. I don't know who said it. It's a great sentiment, but it definitely was not the Buddha.

But think about that distinction. There's a difference between liking a flower and plucking it and putting it on your table versus loving a flower and saying, "I want this thing to thrive. I'll leave it planted and water it daily." Those are two very different approaches.

I think it's a good example of how we view our relationships. Is the relationship set up to please me? That's the liking part. Or do I love this relationship and this person—am I doing what benefits my partner, my spouse, or whoever I'm in relationship with? Those are two different approaches.

Impermanence and Relationships

I want to correlate this to impermanence because I believe that non-attachment—or at least the idea of non-attachment—arises naturally when we have proper perspective on the ever-changing nature of reality.

When you see reality as constantly changing, don't focus on the goal of saying, "I need to not be attached. I need to practice non-attachment." Don't think of it that way. Instead, think: "My goal is to try to see impermanence more clearly. My goal is to see impermanence in everything."

When I see impermanence in the nature of my relationships, non-attachment in those relationships will arise naturally.

There's a Zen story—or Zen teaching—where we're given the task of trying to see someone in various configurations. I think this teaching specifically refers to a way of combating lust, so if you feel a lustful attraction to someone, try to imagine that person in various configurations. Imagine them being old, wrinkly skin, withered, maybe in a wheelchair or using a walker. Picture them being sick and bedridden.

The idea here is to try to see them in other circumstances and notice what that does to that attraction. Are you simply attracted to them because of how they look right now? What happens when they look different? What happens when the configuration changes? What happens to that relationship when the Tetris shapes evolve?

The invitation here, I believe, is that when you're capable of seeing the other pieces—potential pieces of the puzzle, perhaps you could say the inevitable pieces of that puzzle—and how it's going to change, you can see more clearly your attraction to that person.

Playing Out Future Scenarios

Seeing the changing circumstances of your goals, dreams, and relationships can be a really helpful practice. You can play with different scenarios and see what happens to the relationship you have with that person.

For example, with a spouse or partner or someone you're attracted to, play this game. Imagine: what if they were suddenly in a wheelchair? What if they got old and can't go to the bathroom on their own and I've got to bathe them? You know, all these things are a lot of inevitable situations in a relationship that will eventually happen.

So the idea is you start to place yourself in these other circumstances and say: Is this still the person I would want to be with in all these other configurations of potential relationships?

If you find that you're not interested in any other scenario other than this one—where this is this attractive person you want to be with right now—then that gives you the ability to pause and think, "Hmm, what's wrong with this picture? This is dangerous." Because the inevitable fact of life is that things will change. And when they do, then what?

In my own relationship, I try to picture different scenarios. What would our life be like if we were going through bankruptcy? If we were really struggling financially, I try to picture myself in those situations. What would that dynamic be like? What would it be like if I had to care much more for her physically? For example, if she became paralyzed or was confined to a wheelchair? I play these scenarios out in my head.

I do the same backwards thinking: What would happen if that happened to me? At what point would I feel like, "Oh no, I'm a hindrance to her"? Is that going to affect how I perceive that she perceives the relationship?

And again, there's no right or wrong answer here. You're just exploring scenarios, and you want to do that because that's the guarantee in life: whatever scenario you've got played out, well, hold it for a minute because in a minute it changes, and you're going to have a new scenario.

Relationships With My Kids

I try to imagine how the dynamic in our relationship evolves around our three young children right now. But what about when they're teenagers? One of them's rebellious and has a lot of conflict with one of us—maybe her or me. What's that going to do to our relationship? And what about when the three are grown up and they're out of the house? What's our dynamic going to be like then?

I try to play all these scenarios in my head because I want to have a healthy perspective of reality. The reality is I don't know which of those scenarios it'll be. But it could be any of them.

What I have found is that it develops this sense of comfort with uncertainty. I don't know what it's going to be, but here's what I do know: this is what it is. And I feel much more content, a sense of contentment with how it is, because this is how it is. At least I know this is how it is. I don't know how it'll be. It could be much better in the future. It could be much worse. The point is I don't know, but I do know how it is right now, and I'm happy with how it is right now. That's what it does for me when I think of it like that.

I recently experienced this with my kids. Last week, we were on vacation taking surf lessons down in Mexico. My kids are still young, so they're all signed up and doing whatever we're doing. Everything we were signing up to do they were doing with us. I saw other couples with their kids, some of whom were teenagers. We were joking at dinner with them, saying, "I haven't seen my teenager this whole trip because they were already off doing their own thing."

So in that moment, I do the same thing. I imagine: what will that be like when I'm at that stage and my kids don't want to come to surf lessons with me? They want to do whatever they're going to do. There's a tinge of sadness, and then there's a tinge of cherishing. Well, right now they are here. They're doing this with me. Even though the young one is here digging sandcastles and I'm taking care of her so I can't go surfing with the other one, I just smile and think that this is how it is right now, and it won't always be like this. I can find much more contentment in that present moment.

I try to see the dynamic change that's happening at any given moment with the relationships I have with my kids at the stage they're at now—how that dynamic is going to change when they're at a different stage, when I'm at a different stage, or when circumstances change it.

Non-Attachment Without Pressure

Non-attachment isn't saying, "Hey, you shouldn't have relationships. Quit falling in love. Give up everyone. Don't have friends." It's not saying any of that. It's saying cherish everything the way it is right now. Maybe cherish isn't the right word. Find contentment with how things are because there's certainty in how things are right now. I know that's how things are. They could be better. They could be worse. But right now, it's like this.

That's an expression I've used before in other podcast episodes: Right now, it's like this. Whatever this is—the good, the bad, the pleasant or unpleasant aspect of it—that's not the point. The point is this is what it is. And that's what I have to work with.

Political and Philosophical Differences

In terms of relationships and this concept of non-attachment, don't be attached to how you think the relationship should be. Instead, focus on how the relationship is.

Here's a small example from my own dynamic with my wife. I've often heard—it's almost a myth—that in relationships, the more you have in common, the more healthy the relationship is going to be. I have found in my own experience that's simply not true, at least to a certain degree. My wife and I have different political views. We have different religious views. We have different philosophical views of the world.

On a lot of these bigger topics that some would say are destined to be doomed if there's no compatibility, we somehow have broken that mold, and it's working. That's not to say it could be better if things were more compatible. It could be worse. I don't know. The point is I don't know.

I find a tremendous sense of contentment with how things are right now. That, for me, has been important in my relationship. I feel like that's the non-attached aspect of my approach to our relationship. I don't feel the need to change her. If she views things this way or that way and I don't understand how someone could view it that way, that's fine. That's just how she views it. And I don't have a sense of attachment to thinking it would all be better if she just viewed it the way I view it.

To me, that attachment—wanting the other to be how I think the other should be—is a form of attachment in a relationship. Non-attachment, again, is like the flower, right? I don't need to pluck that flower and put it over here in this vase because the vase is where the flower needs to be. It's saying the flower is where the flower is. If it's already in the vase, that's where it is. How do I make it better? If it's planted, that's where it is. How do I keep it healthy? The point is: how do I work with it in that non-attached way?

The Key Insight

So hopefully some of those ideas make sense if you're listening and wondering about this concept of non-attachment as it pertains specifically to goals and relationships.

Just to summarize: have goals. Have relationships. Go with the flow of change. Remember this: stagnation or permanence isn't healthy in goals. You can ask Kodak and Blockbuster, and I'm sure you can think of a ton of businesses that had a sense of attachment to their thing—their product, their goal. They weren't able to shift and change with reality, with the industry, and they're gone.

It's the same with relationships. Stagnation or permanence in relationships is a guaranteed killer because relationships are dynamic. The person you're with changes. You change. And if you can't learn to adapt and continually grow the relationship, there's going to be stagnation and death in the relationship. The relationship will not thrive. It can't thrive. It's extremely unhealthy to think of it that way.

One of the most common manifestations of this that I hear in my day-to-day interactions with people is this concept: "You're not the person that I married" or "So-and-so is not the person that I married, and that's why our relationship is struggling."

I want to remind them: of course they're not. It cannot be. That person cannot be the same person you married. From dating to marriage and then through the entire process after—not just marriage, but any relationship. You don't have to be married to see this. If the person you're with is not the person they were before, it's because the nature of reality is constant change.

Think of this: impermanence makes relationships beautiful, but it also means they're changing and evolving. So you need to learn to go with the flow.

The non-attached teaching applied to relationships isn't saying don't have relationships. It's saying let those relationships evolve and grow and flow. Picture the various stages. What will our relationship be like in five years? In ten years? In twenty years? Picture that. Picture the various stages. What will it be like when this changes? What will it be like if that shifts? If this happens or that happens? I think that can be a really healthy way of viewing your relationships.

Final Thoughts

My invitation to you is this: rather than thinking of it as non-attachment, think of it as seeing constant change as the nature of reality. Because non-attachment is what arises naturally through that proper perspective—that life is always changing, I'm always changing, the person I'm with is always changing.

When I really see that and understand that, non-attachment feels natural. It doesn't feel forced, like, "Oh no, I shouldn't be attached." It becomes the natural way to relate to your goals, to people, and to life. It's naturally going to be a non-attached approach because that's what makes sense when you see and understand constant change.

If you want to learn more about Buddhism, check out my book No Nonsense Buddhism for Beginners. It has over 60 questions and answers that center around Buddhist history, concepts, teachings, and practices. You can learn more about that book by visiting everydaybuddhism.com.

As always, if you've enjoyed this podcast episode, please share it with others. Write a review. Give it a rating in iTunes. You can visit secularbuddhism.com/community to learn more about the online community, which is essentially our Facebook group. And if you'd like to make a donation to support the work I'm doing with this podcast, please visit secularbuddhism.com and click the donate button.

Thank you very much to all of you who have been a part of this journey with me throughout this entire time since I started this podcast and through this recent milestone of 2 million downloads. It's really an exciting time, and I look forward to seeing where this all goes.

Until next time.

For more about the Secular Buddhism podcast and Noah Rasheta's work, visit SecularBuddhism.com