How to Feel Whole and Complete

Episode 171 of the Secular Buddhism Podcast

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Secular Buddhism Podcast. This is episode number 171. I'm your host, Noah Rasheta. Today I'm going to talk about how to feel whole and complete.

As always, keep in mind: you don't need to use what you learn from Buddhism to be a Buddhist. You can use what you learn to simply be a better whatever you already are.

If you're interested in learning more about Buddhism, check out my book, No Nonsense Buddhism for Beginners, available on Amazon. Or you can listen to the first five episodes of this podcast. You can find those episodes easily by visiting SecularBuddhism.com and clicking on the link that says "start here."

If you're looking for a community to practice with and interact with, consider becoming a patron by visiting SecularBuddhism.com and clicking the link to join our community.

Why Do We Feel Incomplete?

So for today's topic—how to feel whole and complete—I want to start by asking: why do we feel incomplete? Why do we feel like there's always something missing, something just out of reach?

Life, however good it is, will be even better when we can finally reach that one thing. The new job. A raise in pay. Getting our partner or spouse to finally change that one character trait about them. Or whatever it is. But there's always something just out of reach. We're always reaching and striving, trying to take life as it is and make it cross that threshold to where we'll finally feel whole and complete when this or that happens.

It's almost like we've been conditioned to believe that our starting point is incomplete. We don't start out as whole. We start out as incomplete, and then we go around gathering all these pieces, always looking for that one final missing piece.

I don't know exactly where or when or how that conditioning starts, but I think you can see it in our society from multiple different angles. This need to feel rescued or saved. This need to be made whole. Marketing always pushes this message, right? Here's this thing. Once you finally have this, then your life will be better.

The Buddhist Teaching of the Five Skandhas

Before jumping into the psychology of all of that, I want to remind you of the Buddhist teaching of the five skandhas. I think understanding this will help us understand how to feel whole and complete.

The five skandhas are teachings that refer to what makes us who we are. Skanda is a Sanskrit word that translates to "aggregate," "heap," or "multitude." An aggregate is something formed by the combination of many separate things.

The analogy I use frequently in the podcast and in my book is the visual of a car made of many parts. There is no actual separate entity called "a car" that exists without all of the parts. So, take a car and disassemble it to all of its parts. There's not one of those parts that you can grab and say, "This is it. This is the essence of the car." The car is all of them. That's just how it works.

In a very real way, there is no such thing as a car. There's such a thing as a car that's the sum of all of its parts, but none of those parts is the car. This is a really powerful way to understand the nature of reality, because all things are that way. Everything has causes and conditions, and we're no exception to that.

We are the whole that is made up of various parts. So to understand the whole, we must get to know the parts.

The Five Components

The teaching of the skandhas refers to the idea that there are several key components or parts that come together to make up the individual that we end up perceiving or experiencing as ourselves. In other words, the "I" or the "me" that I'm experiencing is the sum of the various aggregates that make up who I am.

In the classical Buddhist sense, these are: form, sensation, perception, mental formations, and consciousness. Let me talk about each of these.

Form

Form is the physical body. You can think of the five senses: sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch. From the Buddhist perspective, there is a sixth sense, and that sixth one is the mind. You'll see here in a moment why that's relevant in this discussion.

The understanding of form is that my physical form is not me.

Sensation

Next is sensation. It's what we experience through the contact of these sensing organs with the external world. In other words, the interaction that takes place with the process of seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, touching, and thinking. This is the first place where conditioning arises.

The way it works is that when we sense something, there's a feeling associated with the experience of sensing. That feeling is either pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral.

For example, if I were to taste ice cream, the feeling associated with the experience might be a pleasant sensation. The conditioned response that arises is that I want more of it, and therefore I take a second bite.

This works the same way for all six senses, including the mind. The mind will detect a thought—a thought arises in the mind—and then the mind decides if that thought is pleasant or unpleasant or neutral. If you have a bad dream or a thought that triggers fear or a thought that triggers something pleasant, it works the same way. The mind is a sense organ, and the mind senses thinking the way the nose senses smell and the way the ears sense sound. And so on.

Perception

Moving on to the third one: perception. Perception is the process where we become aware of something through the senses. I become aware that I like a certain flavor of ice cream, and I'm aware that I'm craving it.

This is the mind's process of indexing experiences and putting things into the database. It says, "Here are all these things, all these experiences I've had." Over here on this left side, I've catalogued all the index cards of the things I like. Over here I've got all the ones I don't like. Then there's this random pile of neutral ones I don't have to focus much on because they're neutral.

Something fascinating happens here: our brain has a natural tendency to give weight and remember more clearly the unpleasant experiences compared to the pleasant or positive ones. You can think of this as negative experiences versus positive experiences. The negative ones will stand out more.

I picture it like this: the part of me that indexes these cards of experiences and catalogues them into the memory bank says, "Hey, this one here—look, this was really unpleasant. This was a negative experience. Let's highlight this to make sure we don't set ourselves up to experience that again."

The problem is that all the negative ones get highlighted and therefore stand out more than the positive ones. If you're just glancing over at all the cards, the ones that stand out are the ones with all this bright highlighted ink. Since they're highlighted in my memory, I can't help but fixate on them and think about them more than I will the positive cards.

That's exactly how the mind works. That's what we call the negativity bias. It seems we're hardwired this way. It's an evolutionary survival tactic. And it makes sense, right? From the evolutionary perspective, we needed to know that the sound of rustling in the bushes—which could have been a snake or a tiger—is much more significant than, you know, the pleasant smell of a flower that you sniffed. So the mind catalogs one of those with very strong highlighted colors. That's the negativity bias. That's how it works.

The important thing to understand here with perceptions, like sensations and form, is that my sensations are not me. My perceptions are not me. These are something that takes place—something that my mind does.

Mental Formations

So now let's go into mental formations. This is where concepts, thoughts, and beliefs start to form and develop. I'm aware of this experience that takes place when I eat ice cream, and I develop the thought that ice cream must be good for me because I feel good every time I eat it. So I start to believe that it's something that's good for me. I should probably eat it all the time. I might go as far as to say, if it's good for me, it's probably good for you. So I might start taking actions that require you to have more ice cream in your life too.

Consciousness

And then there's consciousness. Consciousness is that part of us that's aware that all of this is taking place. It's the witness to all of this. In some Buddhist texts, consciousness is the foundation. It's like the receiver of all the information from the senses.

How This Relates to Feeling Whole

Now, here's the thing. When we look at the five skandhas, when we really understand that there are these five components that make up the whole of what we call "I" or "me," we start to realize something interesting.

Each of these five skandhas is dependently originated. This means that none of them exist independently on their own. Each one depends on causes and conditions in order to exist. And here's the powerful part: none of these five components is, in and of itself, the "I" or the "me."

Think about it. Your physical body is not you. You have a body, but you're not your body. Your sensations are not you. They come and go. Your perceptions are not you. They're constantly changing. Your thoughts and mental formations are not you. They're constantly arising and passing away. And consciousness itself is not you—it's the awareness that's aware of all these things.

So then, what is the "me"? What is the "I"?

This is where people get confused, and this is where a lot of suffering comes from. We've been told our whole lives that there's this solid, permanent "me" that we need to protect, improve, and make whole. But when we really look at what we are, we find that we're none of these things individually, and we're also not some sort of essence that lies beneath them.

We are the interaction of all of these five skandhas. We are the whole system working together. When I see something beautiful, that's form. The sensation of joy or appreciation arises—that's sensation. I perceive what I'm looking at—that's perception. My mind forms thoughts about it—that's mental formation. And I'm aware that all of this is happening—that's consciousness.

But none of that, individually or together, is a fixed, permanent "me."

The Source of Our Incompleteness

This is where people get stuck. We think we're missing something because we're looking for a "self" that actually doesn't exist in the way we think it does. We're looking for this solid, independent, complete "me" that's just been hiding somewhere, waiting to be discovered.

But here's the thing: we've been looking in the wrong place. We've been looking for something solid and permanent when what we actually are is a process. We're a flow. We're a constant interaction of causes and conditions.

The sense of incompleteness comes from a fundamental misunderstanding about what we are. We believe there's a solid "me" that needs to be completed, that needs to find something to become whole. But the wholeness doesn't come from finding something external. The wholeness comes from understanding that you already are whole—not as some fixed, solid thing, but as this incredible, dynamic, interdependent process.

When you're miserable because your relationship isn't perfect, or your job isn't ideal, or you don't have enough money, or you don't look the way you want—underneath all of that is the belief that there's a "you" that needs to be fixed or improved. There's a "you" that's incomplete.

But you're not incomplete. You're just not what you think you are.

Understanding Codependent Origination

There's a Buddhist concept called codependent origination. It's the understanding that everything that exists does so because of causes and conditions. When this is, that is. From the arising of this comes the arising of that.

Let me give you an example. I can only be a father because children exist. I can only be a teacher because students exist. I can only be an employee because employers exist. So what is "Noah"? Well, Noah is not some solid thing that exists independent of all of that. Noah is the product of all these relationships, all these causes and conditions.

When you look at it this way, something shifts. Instead of seeing yourself as incomplete and needing to find something, you start to see that you're already complete—because you are the sum total of all your relationships and interactions and causes and conditions.

You're the whole of it. You're the system.

When you look at it this way, you realize something. There's nothing you need to find. There's nothing missing. The incompleteness you've been feeling isn't because you're lacking something. It's because you've been looking at yourself incorrectly. You've been trying to find a solid, fixed "you" when what you actually are is much more fluid and interconnected.

The Practice of Looking Deeper

I want to invite you to try something. Think about a part of yourself that you don't like. Maybe it's your anger. Maybe it's your anxiety. Maybe it's the way you look. Maybe it's your shyness. Pick something. Now look at it. Really look at it.

Where does this anger come from? What causes it? Look deeper. Is it in your genetics? Is it in your upbringing? Is it in the current situation you're in? Is it in how you've learned to interpret things? Look deeper. And look deeper than that.

The more you look, the more you'll see that this thing you don't like isn't actually a problem with you being incomplete. It's just a part of the system that is you. It's one of the moving pieces.

This is something we can practice. We're so used to seeing things on one level, on the surface level. But rarely do we spend time looking at things a little bit deeper. It's easy to see this thing as this and that thing as that, but it takes practice to start seeing the connection between the two.

I think the place where we're most blind when it comes to seeing this way is how we see ourselves. We go about our lives thinking we're incomplete and we're missing something. But the reality is that you're not. You're already whole.

That sense of wholeness comes not from finding what you think is missing, but from looking in and realizing that nothing's been missing all along. You can befriend and accept all of the moving parts that currently go into the configuration of what makes you who you are.

And I think in that process, you'll experience something that maybe you haven't experienced before: a sense of inner peace and a sense of contentment. A deep appreciation for and understanding of the fact that when this is, that is. From the arising of this comes the arising of that. When this isn't, that isn't. From the cessation of this comes the cessation of that.

When you start to see things through that formula, something magical happens. That's the concept I wanted to share in this podcast episode.

Accepting What You've Been Pushing Away

If you want to feel whole and complete, look at what you feel is missing. Analyze that. Look deeper. And if you can look deeper, then look deeper than that. Go as deep as you can into the causes and conditions, into the codependent arising of the various parts that make you who you are, from body and mind.

Look at these things, and what you'll find, if you look deep enough and hard enough, is that nothing's missing. And the things that you've been pushing away? There's nothing wrong with them.

Are you someone who has feelings of anxiety? Yeah, we all do at some point—some more intensely than others. Depression. Sadness. These have always been integral aspects of the human experience. And part of our misery comes from trying to get rid of them.

This is like the "second arrow" concept of suffering. Life is hard, right? Life is incredibly amazing and beautiful, but life is also hard. And the only thing that makes life even harder is to have it be hard and think that it's not supposed to be hard. So I must be doing something wrong, or I must be missing something. No. Life is hard.

When you experience loss, you're going to experience all the things that entail the suffering of loss. And that's fine. It's normal. When I'm going to cry, I'm going to cry. When I'm going to lose a loved one, I'm going to process all of the thoughts and feelings associated with losing a loved one. If I'm upset because I lost my job, yeah, you get upset when you lose things that you want.

But it's that second layer where I'm thinking, "I'm not supposed to feel this. I should be configured differently, right?" This is the very definition of suffering in Buddhist terms. Suffering arises when we want things to be other than how they are.

So here we are with this dilemma: How do I stop wanting things to be other than how they are? Because wanting things to be other than how they are is already the root of the problem.

Well, then quit trying. Just process things as they are. I'm angry. Okay. Well, I don't have to be angry that I'm angry. Just be angry. And what happens when you sit with anger? It's not about conquering. It's not about outwitting. It's about changing the relationship.

This thing that I used to not even be capable of communicating with because I hate that thing—hatred is a good example, right? "I hate that I hate." Well, good luck communicating with your hatred because you're just going to ignore it. Isn't that one of the core problems of our society right now? Our aversion to anything that's different than how we think it should be. Our solution is to ostracize it. "You're crazy for thinking that. We're not even going to talk now. I hate you."

What happened? Why can't we sit with things and understand? It doesn't mean you have to agree. It doesn't mean you have to condone someone's views or beliefs. It's not that. It's the simple art of communication where you can try to understand. Don't try to change. Try to understand.

And when you can do that with yourself, I think that's where it's most powerful. Learning to befriend the parts of you that you have been pushing away—your fears, your anxieties, your strong emotions, whatever it is. I think that's where the power lies in this whole process of answering the question: How do I feel whole? How do I feel more complete?

And I think you'll find in this practice an amazing thing that can happen: the realization that you are whole and complete. You're all of it. You're the whole kitten caboodle. All of these things that we've been pushing away are just parts of how we are at times, and they're not permanent.

The Experience of Inner Peace

There's a lot to think about here. Let that stew in your mind. I hope this topic and these ideas have been something helpful and beneficial. And I hope you can sit with this for a while and see: Where are these little areas of me that I'm pushing away? Where are the little aspects of me that I'm craving, that I think are somewhere else, out there, and I'm running toward it?

We're almost always running away from something or running toward something. Well, what happens when you realize there's nothing to run to and nothing to run from? That's inner peace, right? That's the moment of inner peace. There's no more running. You just stop.

It's like: Everything's fine as it is right now. And I'm going to sit with these emotions and allow them to be. Everything's welcome at this table, you know. Everything can be here. Nothing needs to be different.

Alright, well, that's all I have for this podcast episode. I look forward to recording another one at some point in the future and sharing more thoughts on different topics. Thanks for taking the time to listen.

Until next time.

For more about the Secular Buddhism podcast and Noah Rasheta's work, visit SecularBuddhism.com