Right Speech: Skillful Communication

Episode 113 of the Secular Buddhism Podcast

Hello and welcome to another episode of the Secular Buddhism Podcast. This is episode number 113. I'm your host, Noah Rasheta, and today I'm talking about right speech, or what I like to call skillful communication.

As always, keep in mind: you don't need to use what you learn from Buddhism to be a Buddhist. You can use it to learn to be a better whatever you already are.

Exploring the Zen Koan: The Short Staff

Let me start by revisiting the Zen koan I left you in the last podcast episode. This is the koan called "The Short Staff":

Shuzan held out his short staff and said, "If you call this a short staff, you oppose its reality. If you do not call it a short staff, you ignore the fact. Now what do you wish to call this?"

This is one of those short and simple koans that's meant to make you really think. Shuzan brings out what seems like two opposing arguments here. Let's explore the first one: if you call it a short staff, you're opposing the reality of what it is.

What is this thing, really? I think he's focusing on something important: short is relative. It's only a short staff when it's compared to another staff—say, a longer one. If you stack it next to a longer staff, sure, it's the short staff. But if you put it next to a shorter staff, then this becomes the long staff. We have a problem of comparison. What are we comparing it to in order to decide it's short or not?

But then he brings up the other argument: if you do not call it a short staff, you ignore the fact. And again, the fact is interdependent, right? If it's next to a longer staff and we don't call it a short staff, then we're ignoring the fact that it is indeed shorter than the one sitting next to it.

For me, this koan becomes really powerful when I try to think of it in terms of seeing through the lens of impermanence and through the lens of interdependence. We talk about this often in Buddhism—seeing through the eyes of wisdom.

When we do that, we start to change the way we see things. We can look at this staff and ask: short in terms of what? I have to see the interdependent nature of this concept of "short staff" in relation to something else. That's what gives it the meaning of being short or long. But it becomes more complex when I ask: Well, who decided this is a staff? Why is this a staff and not just a branch from a tree, or a cane, or one of many other things it could be? A piece of firewood? It all depends on the context of what I'm using it for and how I'm using it. In that sense, I'm ignoring the reality of what it is, because I've conceptualized this part of a tree and made it a concept that we humans created. We decided it's a staff. We defined what a staff is, and now I'm bound by that definition, even though we're the ones who made it up.

Then there's the other side: if I use it as a staff but I don't call it a staff, I'm ignoring what it can be used for. So it's like one of those situations where by naming it, we give it usefulness. But by naming it, we also create problems.

Like all koans, this one isn't meant to be solved. It's not about figuring out the right answer. It's an invitation to explore the question. What is short? What is a staff? Why do I call it a short staff? In relationship to what? And then to see this through the lens of impermanence and interdependence: When did it cease being a branch from a tree and become a staff? When will it cease being a staff and become just a piece of firewood or a stick on the street?

That's where this becomes really powerful. Through the lens of impermanence, and also through the lens of interdependence. This is only a staff because we decided it's a staff. If there were no humans on this earth, what is a staff? There's no such thing. Or consider this: to see the staff, you have to see the tree. To see the tree, you have to see the sun and the rain and the dirt and all the things that allow the tree to be a tree. Suddenly the staff isn't so simple anymore. It's not just a staff. It's kind of everything.

To me, that's where these koans become powerful. But to really get the most out of them, you want to turn it inward and apply it to the view you have of yourself. If I can sit here and look at this staff through the lens of impermanence and interdependence and reach a moment of profound insight into the nature of the staff, imagine what would happen if I applied that same lens to the way I view myself. Who am I? Am I something separate from everything else? Am I the culmination of countless causes and conditions that led to this moment where I exist?

This is where it becomes really profound for me. Just as I can ask when this object ceased being just a tree branch or just because it was whittled into a certain length or shape, we call it a staff—imagine asking that about yourself. When did you cease being just a series of genetic material? When did you become "you"?

I've found this to be a fascinating exercise. Here I am, existing. I'm just the culmination of a relationship that started with my parents, or beyond them. I'm the combination of several events that took place in the past between my grandparents, my great-grandparents, and on and on. I don't just mean conception. I mean the decision my dad made to get out of the car and say hi to this girl he saw at the airport. I'm the culmination of that one act. Or my great-grandparents who decided to immigrate to the U.S., or my other great-grandparents who on their honeymoon left Spain and decided to visit Mexico and decided to stay there. I'm the culmination of that decision.

In that sense, the view I have of myself is so much greater than just me here being how I am, doing what I'm doing. It's like, no, I'm the culmination of that set of actions that hasn't stopped. I'm like one domino in a long line. I'm the piece that's falling right now, and I'm setting in motion from where I am all these countless lines of dominoes that go out from me. They're also stacked, falling, hitting the next one, hitting the next one. I'm just one stack in a long, long, long line of countless lines of dominoes that I'm part of—this intricate web of falling dominoes.

There's this tendency to think I'm the domino that matters, when in reality I'm just one in a long line of countless lines of dominoes. That's the invitation of this koan and all the others: to explore them as moments of inquisitive exploration. The point of the koan isn't to solve it. The beauty is in exploring the koan itself. If we approach these with the mentality of "I don't care to solve this, it's not about solving it, I don't even need to solve it," then the koan is open to just be explored with curiosity. In that exploration, incredible moments of insight can arise.

The Eightfold Path and Right Speech

So, the topic I want to discuss today has to do with the eightfold path—specifically, right speech, or what I like to call skillful communication.

In Buddhism we talk about the eightfold path, which consists of eight practices: right understanding, right intent, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration. I talk about this in several podcast episodes—episode 83, for example, covers the eightfold path. I prefer the use of the word "skillful" or "wise" rather than "right," because when we think of "right," we usually think of it in terms of right versus wrong. This is more along the lines of skillful versus non-skillful.

Today specifically, I want to address one part of the path: right speech, or what we'll call skillful speech or skillful communication. Communication, as you know, is a two-way street. When we communicate with someone, we're either listening to what someone else is saying, or we're communicating what we're hoping to get across. It always takes place between two people.

We can learn to improve our skillfulness in communicating in two main ways. One is by changing the way we listen—something I talk about in episode 86, "Listening to Understand." That's one part of communication. But the other part has to do with improving how we communicate—in other words, how we speak. That's what I want to address today.

The way we communicate with ourselves and others is an essential part of creating a peaceful and harmonious life. Which is what we're all after, right? We want a content, peaceful, harmonious life, and communication is a huge part of that. We're social creatures, and communication is perhaps the most important part of our human relations.

What is Wise Speech?

When we think about right speech or wise speech, it's often referred to as communicating with others in a way that doesn't cause harm. Yes, that includes any form of communication—whether it's writing, speaking, texting, emailing, or even how we communicate on Facebook.

Obviously, lying, gossiping, and insulting others isn't wise speech. It's just not wise. But neither are things like compliments you don't mean, promises you don't intend to keep, or sucking up to someone because you want to impress them.

With wise speech, we consider why and how we say something as much as what we actually say. I think this is what I want to emphasize, because often we think about wise speech in the context of "What should I say? Or what should I not say?" We don't focus so much on "Why am I saying this?" or "How am I communicating this?"

Consider the difference between constructive criticism and destructive criticism. Constructive criticism may be hard to hear, but the goal is to help you become better at what you're doing. A coach, for example, may give you constructive criticism that's difficult to receive, but at the end of the day, it's beneficial.

Destructive criticism, on the other hand, is intended only to cause pain. "I'm going to say this because I know it's going to hurt you." Wise speech doesn't always have to be pleasant. It's not about being nice, and it's certainly not about withholding ideas out of fear that someone might disagree. But it should be about trying to be sincere and genuine in what we're trying to convey.

Three Communication Styles

I recently came across a communication worksheet from the Big Life Journal. As a quick side note, if you have kids, you need to check out biglifejournal.com. They have a lot of exercises and worksheets you can download that help convey big topics and ideas to your children. I've found them very beneficial, not just for communicating with my kids but in my own marriage and in understanding myself and so many other things. So check out Big Life Journal.

This specific worksheet had a tool to help teach communication styles to children. We had a family lesson about it a few weeks ago, and I think it would be beneficial to share it here. Whether you're communicating in marriages, in your family dynamics between parents and children, between siblings, or just at work with coworkers, anyone will benefit greatly from understanding some common communication styles.

So consider these three communication styles in terms of wise speech.

Passive Communication

First, we have passive communication. This is a common style found among people who tend to avoid conflict. This is almost 100 percent my default style of communicating.

Passive communicators may have the tendency to say whatever we feel needs to be said in order to keep things peaceful and harmonious. This can lead to resentment or misconceptions in communication, because the message we intend to communicate may not be clear. Passive communicators tend to build things up and then shift over time to passive-aggressive or even explosive communication styles once that limit has been reached. That's kind of how I feel my default mode is. It's very passive. I tend to avoid conflict.

When you're paired with someone who has an aggressive style of communication—and in my case, I have family members and even my spouse who communicates in a much more aggressive style—it can cause conflict, because I won't say what I want to say.

Aggressive Communication

Let's talk about aggressive communication. The aggressive communication style will get the message across, usually loud and clear, but often fails to be skillful in the delivery method, tone, or timing of when they say what they need to say. It's kind of like the bull in a china shop. "Okay bull, we got the message you wanted to get out, but you broke a lot of stuff in the process, and that wasn't pleasant."

Aggressive communicators tend to feel like they need to express whatever they think right then, at whatever social or emotional cost to themselves or to others in the room. I want to emphasize: there's nothing inherently bad or wrong with either of these styles, but they're not the most skillful way to communicate.

All of us probably find ourselves in one or sometimes both of these communication styles depending on our mood, whether we've had breakfast, or what life circumstances we're experiencing at any given moment. You've probably found yourself in one or the other of these camps, or maybe at times in both.

Assertive Communication

But there's a third communication style, and this is what was highlighted in that worksheet that I really enjoyed. This is a much more skillful style of communication: assertive communication.

The assertive communicator knows what they want to communicate, but also knows how and why and when the communication should be expressed. It's a form of skillful communication, and it takes a lot of introspection and self-analysis to become skilled at it, because I don't think it's a natural way of communicating. We have to practice it.

I like this one the most because it puts the responsibility of communicating skillfully on me, the communicator, and not on anyone else. Because sometimes it's easy to get caught in this way of thinking: "Well I'm expressing my communication to you, why aren't you getting it?" When we think that way, it puts all the responsibility on the one thing we can't control—what someone else hears. But assertive communication puts more of the emphasis back on me, which says, "If you're not getting what I'm trying to say, then it's on me to try to rephrase it or say it a different way." That's been especially helpful in my own marriage and in the way I communicate with my wife.

Essentially this requires me to get to know myself and also to know who I'm communicating with so that I can develop the most skillful approach. Whether I'm talking to my mom or my dad or my wife or my twin brother or whoever it is, I'm talking to someone different. Same with my children—each one has a different communication style, so how I communicate with each one may be slightly different too.

The I-Message Formula

One of the most effective ways we learn to practice assertive communication is through what are called I-messages. This follows a simple formula I want to share with you.

The I-message essentially says: "I feel" (insert the emotion), "when you" (insert the behavior), "I would like you to" (insert the request).

So to repeat that: "I feel," insert emotion, "when you," insert behavior, "I would like you to," insert request.

Let me give you an example of how this works. Let's say I'm at home and the kids come home and throw all their stuff around, making a mess. An aggressive communicator might say, "Hey, pick up your crap! Don't put it here! Blah, blah, blah." You'll get the message across, but it may hurt the feelings of a child who's more passive. It may immediately cause an aggressive child to put up their walls, get defensive, and lock horns with you. It may not be the most effective way to communicate.

Now consider the I-message format here. I would say, "Kids, I feel stressed out when you guys come home and throw your stuff around, because I've been cleaning the house all day. I would like it if you came home and put your bags where they're supposed to go." This simple expression changes everything. I'm communicating the same message, but the I-message format works because it's non-judgmental. It's not about blaming or criticizing, and it keeps the listener from feeling attacked or defensive. I'm expressing very clearly how I feel when a certain behavior is demonstrated, and therefore what action I request.

The Challenge of Differing Views

When we're communicating with people who have different views or beliefs than our own—and let's be honest, that's everyone we know—we often struggle to communicate our deep emotional needs out of fear of offending each other. Then we end up communicating our needs in non-skillful ways: passive communication, aggressive communication, or even worse, passive-aggressive communication. These ways of communicating end up doing more harm than good.

By understanding this way of skillful communication or wise speech, we can become more assertive in our communication style. This allows us to feel like we've been heard and allows us to be better at hearing and understanding what's being said.

My Journey with Skillful Communication

For me, this has been a really powerful shift in changing the way I express myself. As a passive communicator who is often trying to communicate important messages to an aggressive communicator, it can be really tricky. I don't like to feel attacked. I don't like to feel belittled in my communication, so I have to be skillful in how I communicate. This formula has been truly life-changing in the way I communicate in my relationship with my wife. But also with tricky subjects at work with coworkers, clients, or a boss, or having to let go of an employee, or whatever the scenario is that could be challenging.

For a long time now, I think in terms of: How can I skillfully communicate what needs to be communicated here? Then the communication comes across significantly more skillful than it would have had I just gone with my default mode, which in my case is passive, or my reaction mode, which is aggressive because I'm tired of being passive.

This is not putting down people who are passive communicators like me. It's certainly not dissing on people who are aggressive communicators like my wife. You just tend to have a default style that you learned, either genetically or through life circumstances. That's been your default way of communicating. This is about taking that and understanding: Okay, this is my default way of communicating. How can I be more skillful with it?

That's what I want to end this podcast episode on. I want to invite you to try to be more skillful in your communication style. This is one of the spokes on the path of the eightfold path that we talk about and practice in Buddhism. It's an area of your life where you can actually practice and become more skillful, and I find that fascinating. Because again, all of these teachings aren't about the right way versus the wrong way. This is about saying, "Can I be a better whatever I already am?" And I'm already communicating with people every single day. Can I be better at that?

Well, the eightfold path says yes. In this one area of life called communication, you can be better. But it's about getting to know yourself and getting to know your audience—the people you're communicating with. That's what I find so fascinating.

Before You Go

As we approach the end of this podcast episode, I want to remind you that I've been sharing Zen koans, and I want to continue doing that. I'll leave the koan for the very end.

That's all I have for this podcast episode on right speech. I want to thank you for listening and for being part of the journey with me. I want to invite you again to support the work I'm doing with the podcast and consider becoming a patron and joining the online community.

I announced this last week, and it's been incredible having the ability to discuss the koans with podcast listeners, discuss the podcast episodes, do some Q&A sessions, and even start a weekly study group. It's been a really fun, new way to communicate with podcast listeners and specifically people who are supporting the podcast. If you're interested in having a sense of community with people you can talk to about these specific topics, or if you want to discuss the new koan I'm about to present, you can learn more by visiting secularbuddhism.com. You'll see the link there to join the community or to support the podcast.

As always, if you enjoyed this podcast episode, feel free to share it with others, write a review, or give it a rating in iTunes. That's all I have for now. But before I let you go, here is your Zen koan to work with for this week.

Your Zen Koan: No Cold and Heat

The title of this koan is "No Cold and Heat."

A monk asked Tozan, "How can we escape the cold and heat?" Tozan replied, "Why not go where there's no cold and heat?" "Is there such a place?" the monk asked. Tozan commented, "When cold, be thoroughly cold. When hot, be hot through and through."

That's all I have for this week. Thank you for listening. Until next time.